Unloading...

I just feel so damn frustrated right now. It’s time to stop and unwind. Too many things have happened in the last couple of months. Lolo in the hospital; then, his death. My moving into a new home. Resignation day. Freelancing hang-ups. Then, now, a breakup?

Things wouldn’t have been this complicated if they only fell into places. I mean, not about the demise of my granduncle, but the rest. Plus the lack of financial resources; it’s a huge bag of pressure. I didn’t know about the 30-45 day clearance delay of my compensation. Some people who owed me some cash haven’t paid as promised, and still some who took RTW items haven’t paid their dues yet, which have been a week or two delayed already.

Had it not been a party season, I wouldn’t complain. However, it’s different when you have obligations to do — mouths to feed and expectations to meet. We’ve gone past the traditional Noche Buena; now, we’re all eyes on the New Year’s Eve, which is also my grandaunt’s birthday. With Lolo gone, it’s gotta be a bigger celebration this year to compensate for the loss — in other words, to make everyone forget about the fact that someone’s seat is empty this year; or pretend to forget. It means more food and more wine to prepare and consume. I still have 3 days to figure that out.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I had an argument over who’s taking whose call and who’s ignoring whose text messages. We both got frustrated putting across our points; until he ended up texting me with a rather blunt “don’t reply (just yet); I need time alone ‘coz I’m already upset at it all”. It got me thinking all afternoon; in fact, until all night. I wrote down the highlight of his last text message on a piece of paper and pasted it on my door: DON’T REPLY. I NEED TIME ALONE. The message has been clear.

I went to bed late last night, but I had the most wonderful sleep ever. Thanks to the BAR, for the first time in quite a long time, I’d slept for about 10 hours and woke up feeling so… relieved. Not only because pasting a note on my door was effective, but also because his missed calls woke me. Of course, I was smiling inside – grinning, to be exact. If he could see me grinning, he would make a fuss over it – “Why does it always take you so long to answer my calls?” It doesn’t matter. What matters to me is that he broke the ice that he himself had frozen.

“Low batt, boss.”

“Hmm, excuses… sorry to wake you, Miss.”

“Are you okay now?”

“A little. Sorry about yesterday.”

It took me awhile to construct a brief reply – 2 hours to be exact – for him to realize he hasn’t been forgiven yet for texting something so… insulting on my part.

“I just want you to know that you can take all the time you need to be alone as it seems to me that you’re not alone enough. Don’t bother wasting your load on me; I’m not worth it.”

Of course, it’s the pride that’s getting in the way, but I’m so tired of reaching out. If he were here, I would’ve just given him a surprise hug or some gesture that would tell him to just forget about things. Sometimes you just run out of words to say and making brief closure cuts the prolonged argument or clears up a vague status. It made me stand taller after having said or texted that; for how long, I don’t know yet. But for now, it feels like I have just gotten even and something in me just got healed — and I’m enjoying the process.


Now, it's time to browse for more online jobs to cure all these budget bruises.